


Probably Not a Homosexual

by mrbingley



Category: Homestuck
Genre: Alternate Universe - No Sburb Session, M/M, MAJOR christianity, Slow Burn, Trans Dave Strider, Trans Male Character, am i writing it anyway?, but not necessarily objectively bad, but not super severe, do i know what slow burn is?, no, possible transphobia/homophobia, possibly more than one ( ͡° ͜ʖ ͡°), yep definitely, yet ( ͡° ͜ʖ ͡°)
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2019-05-01
Updated: 2019-05-01
Packaged: 2020-02-10 18:18:50
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,590
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/18665791
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/mrbingley/pseuds/mrbingley
Summary: Dave and John meet. Where? Bible camp! It's all fun and games, especially since neither John nor Dave is religious. And maybe John's a huge homosexual. But he seems more like a huge nerd.Updated sort of weekly when I have time to write. Sorry if I'm late. I'm a junior in high school with four AP classes.





	Probably Not a Homosexual

**Author's Note:**

> first fic of mine on this account have fun chapter one is a real leg puller. i've done other fics on an account called jakefuckingenglish (i think) but i forgot the password lol. 
> 
> hope this fandom's not dead amirite
> 
> oh also the first few paragraphs is directly from homestuck act 1 and also i hope u get the plunk reference and the weed joke.

There's this really cool dude, ok? He's standing around being all chill, like cool dudes are known to do sometimes. A cool dude like this probably has a real cool name. But he probably wouldn't just tell you what it was if you asked. He'd be way too busy for that. Busy being totally sweet. 

But you could always try to guess his name. And if you were right, he might nod ever so slightly. That’s a cool dude’s way of letting you know there might just be hope for you yet. 

>Enter name. 

>DAVE STRIDER 

Your name is Dave Strider. You are currently standing alone in your room, making sure you have everything ready to go. Where might a cool dude like you be going?  
Bible camp. 

That’s right. Bro is sending you to the least holy place in existence under the guise of it being a prestigious summer program that only the Coolest Kids go to. 

That’s a lie that both of you treat as veritable. But really, Bro is going to San Francisco for a while to go to your sister’s wedding, and you can’t be trusted to stay alone. Who knows what might happen when a cool dude is left alone without adult supervision? A few crows would probably die, and you’d forget to take your binder and packer off, but nothing too bad would happen. 

So, Bible camp was chosen, both for the meme and because Bro said that you needed to “learn about other groups of people” despite their lack of education about you and your gay and trans siblings. 

You hear a knock at your door, and look toward it, knowing who’s waiting on the other side. You grab your duffel bag. Taking one last look at your room, you open the door. Jesus Christ, it’s like you’re going to leave forever. 

Bro claps you on the back. “You’ll be okay, lil bro,” he says. That’s enough to make you smile on the inside. But only on the inside; cool dudes don’t show emotion. Then he ruins your euphoria: “You ain’t gonna let those asses fuck with you, are you? You gotta be a real man and stay hard. You’re not as killer as me, but you ain’t let no one shit on you.” 

You give a slight nod. You and Bro go to his car; you drive to the bible camp, anxious about what the week would result in. 

 

You look around the room. Everything is happening here. The walls are white painted over brick, and the ground is cement, but the camp counselors added enough posters and decorations that the plainness of the room is almost imperceptible. You put your sharpie-on-sticker nametag on your t-shirt. You’re supposed to find a seat, so you look around the room to find an appropriate place to rest your ass. You sit in the middle, where you think it’s least likely to get called on to answer some question about Christian lore or recite the reasons you love God. 

The seats start to fill up, and eventually someone sits next to you. As he approaches, the first thing you notice about him is his cheesy Nic Cage shirt. He has messy black hair, and rectangular glasses. You also notice his huge bulge. You aren’t wont to noticing things like that, but you do. You wonder how long it is. Not that you care. Just for ... scientific reasons. Duh. You’re a hella cool science dude. Like Bill Nye but cooler. Duh. 

He sits next to you. You look at his nametag. His name is John. You feel his arm touch yours for a split-second and shiver. Because it’s cold. No other reason. 

You decide to crack a joke: “So how is it that you’re a Nic Cage fan and Christian?” you ask, smirking, and doing your best to sound like a teenage boy. “Didn’t think you could do both.” 

John smirks back. “I’m not,” he says. 

“Not a Nic Cage fan, or not Christian? God forbid you went to a Christian camp if you don’t abide by all of God’s rules.” You hope he can sense the sarcasm in your voice. God forbid he thinks you’re being serious. 

He laughs. Thank God. “I’m not Christian,” he says. “Huge Nic Cage fan, though.” 

“Woah, wait,” you say melodramatically. “Isn’t Nic Cage, like, the shittiest actor out there?” 

“Says you.” He points at your High School Musical t-shirt. 

“It’s ironic, dude,” you say. “And even if it wasn’t, High School Musical is way less shitty than Nicolas fucking Cage.” 

Someone taps a mic and you decide to listen for a sec. 

“Hi everyone,” says the person at the front. “I’m Melissa, and this is Sister Catherine.” She gestures toward the stocky nun standing next to her. “We’re gonna have lots of fun this week, but first we have to go over some rules....” 

You tune her out. It doesn’t matter. You’re not gonna get kicked out. Even if you do, Bro can’t come to pick you up, and you don’t have a car. 

You find yourself looking at the boy next to you, wondering what he’s all about. What’s a dude like him doing with shitty glasses (which you noticed had tape on them upon further inspection) and a Nic fucking Cage t-shirt? With a sense of style like that, he’s either a huge ass homo or a huge ass nerd. You guess the Nic Cage t-shirt means he’s probably not a homosexual. 

He looks in your direction and cracks a joke that you barely hear. You grin just to be polite, even though you didn’t get it. Maybe you should pay more attention to what’s going on. 

“And that’s it!” Melissa says cheerily. “Now, you have a half hour until dinner, so you have time to find your bunks and meet your roomates!” The fuck is with her cheerful attitude. “Have fun, everyone.” 

Someone shouts, “God is good!” 

You hear a few people respond with, “All the time!” and you jump a little. Is this a normal Christian thing? 

“All the time!” You think that was the original person. 

“God is good!” 

You have fear. 

Everyone gets up and walks toward a specific wall, so you follow. On the wall is the list of names and cabins. You’re somewhere called “East Potting.” Appropriate for a Christian camp. 

You go out the way everyone’s going out and see camp counselors holding signs. You read one of them. East Rooster. You suppose that’s a cabin name, because what the fuck else would it be? You find Your Guy, the one holding the East Potting sign (lmao), and follow him through the plethora of buzzing teens. 

When you get to the cabin, you see your bag already inside on one of the beds. You’re on the top bunk closest to the bathroom. That’s pretty rad. You look at the bag on the bunk under yours. It’s bright fucking blue and has a ghost (?) on it. Guess you’re sleeping above a huge fucking nerd. 

“Oh, hey!” You hear from behind you. You turn around. It’s the same guy from earlier. You already forget his name, and he’s put on a sweater over his nametag. 

“Hey, man,” you say. You high five him. “So, uh, guess we’re roomies.” 

“Yeah, roomies!” He smiles at you. Your brain is happy for a second. You tell it to calm the fuck down. 

“Litty titty,” you say. You cringe internally. He laughs. 

“What the fuck, dude,” he says. “Litty titty.” 

“It’s ironic, man,” you say, hoping he can’t see the panic in your shades. 

You wonder why he’s here if he’s not Christian. Probably for the same reason you are. His parents probably had to leave him for a week and didn’t trust him to be home alone. It makes you wonder what kind of shit he gets up to. 

“Oh, hey!” you say, remembering that you brought your ukulele. You tell the nerd to follow you to your bunk so you can grab it. 

“Hey, your bunk’s right above mine!” the guy says. 

Of course it is. Who else would have that bag? You nod and take the opportunity to sit on his bed, still holding your ukulele. 

“Are you gonna play something?” he asks. 

God, you’re dumb. 

“Yeah, of course,” you say. 

You decide to play a Tegan and Sara song, since they’re the gayest band you know, and because this specific song makes you sound like a dude when you sing it. It’s My Number. He seems to recognize it, but he doesn’t say anything. You’re just chilling. Bros being bros. Nothing gay happening here except the gay ole time you’re having playing some gay ole music. Gay as in happy. Of course. Because you're good Christian children. 

“This song is kinda sad,” says some guy you don’t know. “Who’s it by?” he asks. 

You bite your lip. “Uh, this band I like. You’ve probably never heard of them,” you say, buying time to make up a name; you can’t tell all these Jesus kids that you’re into big homo music. 

Guy You Don’t Know raises an eyebrow, waiting for you to give him the band name. 

“Uh, they’re called Plunk,” you say nervously. Nerd Boy grins. You think he knows about your lie. Guy You Don’t Know leaves you alone. 

“Tegan and Sara, right?” says Cute Nerd Boy. Er, just Nerd Boy. 

You nod subtly. You start to play Where Does the Good Go, your other favorite song by Big Homo Band.


End file.
